I have a dirty little secret: As I've enthusiastically shared my family's positive experiences hosting exchange students, I've received a few reports about others' less than ideal experiences. For example: One person said that her teenaged female exchange student arrived with a suitcase full of birth control devices and a one-tracked mind: Visiting Portland's downtown nightclubs. Apparently "under-aged clubbing" is the norm in the town she's from. Similarly, another person said that her female exchange student (around 14-years of age) was very flirtatious and had inappropriate physical boundaries with her college-aged son (she sat too close to him and tried to sit on his lap). Someone else said that their high school-aged exchange student lit up a cigarette in their house without asking, and another person said their college-aged exchange student told her own (grade school-aged) child to "shut up." Each one of these people said they would never host an exchange student again.Now granted, I haven't personally experienced these particular situations myself, but I do have to say that in each of these cases, when I heard the host parent explain their "exchange student horror story" (and that was how these stories were characterized), my reaction was that each of these situations were opportunities to learn about others' personal/cultural norms and to teach about our own personal/cultural norms. I realize I didn't have to "live through these experiences," and maybe I'm really missing the boat here, but I don't see the absolute horror in these stories.
I've traveled enough places to know that there are other cultures that are a lot less hung up about sex and sexuality than our culture. A quick visit to the post card section of just about any port town in Greece will illustrate (quite graphically) my point. Different cultures also have different needs for personal space, and different levels of tolerance for touch. Smoking is another area of distinction. I've dined in European cafes where the waiter had a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth when he brought plates of food to our table. Not my idea of appetizing.
Language can also be tricky. Important things really do get lost in the translation. I have to wonder if the family who had to endure their child being told to "shut up" merely missed an opportunity to educate their exchange student that that's an especially strong term in our culture. One of our exchange students had the habit of saying "I want to kill you," or "I'm going to kill you" to my kids. Those are strong words, but we soon realized that it was likely a routine phrasing of something he spoke/heard at home because we read similar references in the emails from his mom (e.g. "I told him I'd kill him if he doesn't behave himself"), and we've heard his grandmother use the term when we've Skyped with her. If this exchange student was going to attend school in our school system, I would have made a point to let him know that he should avoid that particular phrase, but I never did get around to mentioning it. I am curious what the equivalent phrase is in Spanish, and if it's used regularly in casual conversation, or if it's more of a "family thing."
We have had situations come up during our exchange experiences that other folks might have been bothered by. For example, one morning our exchange student stormed out of the bedroom he shared with my son. He was piping mad, and stomped down the hallway, muttering to himself in both English and Spanish. Apparently my son had tired of waiting for his "brother" to wake up (and with all due respect, it was past 10:00 AM), so he started doing noisy, annoying things. Pablo woke to the sound of my son belting out, "God Bless America." He was not amused.
In fact, he was in a grumpy funk off and on for most of the day. It finally came to a head when the boys were in the basement and my son refused to help with a clean up project they were supposed to do together (my son was too tired). Eventually Pablo stormed up the stairs to "tell on" on my son and to argue his case about how infuriating it was that now he was tired: "He wasn't tired this morning. No, he wants to sing all morning long. Now he's too tired to get our work done. . . " And that's when I knew that this kid genuinely felt at home. He was comfortable enough to show his emotions. Comfortable enough to protest the injustices bestowed upon him by his younger "brother," and confident enough to call upon "mom" for help. So I sent him back downstairs and told him this was a problem they needed to solve together. And before long they were rolling on the floor wrestling, and the house was filled with boisterous laughter once again.
We've hosted exchange students too, and I can tell you some horror stories. One is going on right now, which a group hosting from Paris, France this summer for a few weeks. All of these students have more money than the local coordinator expected, and they also expected expensive and fancy shops to shop at everyday which most of the towns they live in don't offer. Some have had to be moved out of homes because they don't like the bugs that are outside. Very prissy, I know. I also know not all people from Paris are like this as we've hosted students last year (four) from Paris as well and they were fine with the bugs and no public transportation. You win some and lose some.
ReplyDeleteHi Leanne. I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time with your current exchange experience! I do think the odds of an exchange going well increase when there is only one student placed per family. When there is more than once student placed in a family, it can become more like a "camp" experience amongst traveling students vs. a cultural experience with a host family. I hope things turn around for you this year . . . or that you have a winning exchange sometime in the near future! Best wishes. Dawn
ReplyDeleteIt's a good idea to lay down ground rules when students arrive, or even include them in the application. So they know what's expected of them, and the civility level of where they will be staying. I have some horror stories too; they mainly come down to these kids come from a different culture and parental background, and think they can behave however they do at home. Which, if it isn't approriate, they have no way of knowing coming in. If you sit down when them when they arrive, after they've rested and go over everything, there's less likelihood of problems arising. And, if they still do, it's on the student, NOT the host family. The student currently staying with us from Denmark expects me to be his domestic slave. Obviously, that's how his mother behaves at home. I've let him know our rules and if he doesn't adhere to them, he's welcome to stay somewhere else. You have to be kind but firm, and NOT let them walk all over you. After all, remember, we are doing THEM a favor by hosting them, NOT the other way around.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that some ground rules up front are really helpful, and if you are working with a reputable company, this will be a part of the application process (for both the host and the hosted).
DeleteI will say that I respectfully disagree that the favor is one-sided. I have found that our hosting experiences provide gifts beyond measure TO our family. Yes, we are opening our home to a student, but they are providing our family with a window into another culture, (and a new friendship in another part of the world), and that experience is priceless.
I recently something from a Danish individual who said that “We as Danes believe that the discipline measures are too much for young Danes to spend a year abroad because how would it benefit them when they return?” is above reproach. It is the same level of arrogance that you make in your statement that articulates why there are so many difficulties with hosting a Danish student. The level of entitlement and air to their thought of superiority is sickening at best. The problem is that they come here thinking they are above the system and should not be subject to the rules as anyone else. We have hosted 11 students and by far the worse by a long shot was the boy from Denmark. It was like having PTSD after he left and my family took a bit to recover from what was a horrible experience. I guess we were due to have a rotten apple after hosting so many students that were wonderful and still a part of our lives. But to get the whole bushel of rotten apples in one bunch was too much. He not only was pompous and arrogant but clearly was nothing short of a narcissist. There were 6 (including ours) Danish boys in our region that year and ALL 6 families struggled with their boys—ALL of them. Good families that I knew and had had wonderful experiences hosting previously had miserable experiences. The end result was now that ALL 6 are no longer hosting again.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear what a difficult experience you and others had. I would hope that you and the other families would share your feedback with the agency that coordinated your visit so that they could help other students and host families have a more positive experience that what you described. Best wishes to you in the future.
DeleteDawn,
DeleteWe have hosted twice. Our first experience went well. She was from Bosnia and a very private individual, but we had some great experiences with her. We are vegetarian, so was she. We cooked and tried new foods together. We took her on day trips to see where I went to college and took her to a college tour of her choosing. She integrated herself in our family and was very much considered a part of it. Our second experience went sour within the first two weeks. He was from Denmark and to agree with Peter, we are experiencing PTSD. His families experience was spot on, to what we went through. We had a ton of things planned and they went out the window, very quickly. Our first evening together we explained our rules. Very simple, weekly and weekend curfew, small chores when asked as well as no one in the house that we have not met. Simple??? Well, he broke the third rule within 5 days. He was very deceitful and was the type to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear. He lied about where he was, who he was with and when he had people in our home. He had issues with acne (not all his fault) and continued to leave blood on commonly used hand towels, on the bathroom mirror, on all his bedding and on the light switch. He constantly clogged the toilet, used the toilet brush to unclog it and then deny it. After his lying was discussed with him, he continued to lie straight to our face. Like it did not matter, as if we were just a hotel to stay at, or like I said to family, we are his Bed and Breakfast. His girlfriend broke up with him and he used very harsh words on social media and to his friends to describe her (the girls mom called me, asked us to discuss this with him, otherwise we would never had known). We understand that this may be common teenage behavior. But, not from someone who is representing his country etc... We did discuss sending him home, but felt that things would improve (they did not). My husband gave up, but a part of me kept trying. In the 5 months he was with us, he not once asked about us, like what we did for living or for fun. He just showed zero interest in anything but himself. When he left, he left behind pictures we gave him, gifts from the group who sponsored him, gifts from his other hosts... all in the trash. We are deeply disappointed with this past experience, so much so that we will never host again. I feel that we let a stranger in our home and 5 months later that stranger left.
Dear reader, I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a difficult hosting experience. We have been very fortunate in that all of our hosting experiences have been extremely positive. Just last month we put our Italian son on the airplane back home after five wonderful months of shared experiences. His visit enriched our lives immeasurably, and we miss him terribly. I am so sorry you had such a difficult experience. May you heal quickly and fully.
Deletehi, i want to stay with a host family and as someone that has hosted before what are some tips you give me for having the best relation ship with my family, im going to stay in florida,saint petersburg ...im colombian so in here everyone is very touchy touchy is that acceptable ?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your message. How wonderful that you will be visiting Florida. The best advice I can offer you is to talk openly with your host family and ask them what is comfortable for them. In my experience, if a family is willing to host someone from another country, then they are more likely to be open to different cultural norms. Best wishes to you for a wonderful experience in the US. I'd love to hear how it goes for you!
DeleteRemaining anonymous because we are currently hosting an exchange student. Also trying not to specify anything that might give away anything...if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteWe answered a seemingly desperate plea for exchange students on social media, which seems to be a far more common occurrence than I originally thought. We got all the paperwork, filled it out and sent it back and were greenlit almost immediately.
We received the student's information and were able to communicate with the family a couple of times before the arrival date. We learned some of what the student wanted to do while in the U.S. and were thrilled to have the opportunity to show a person from another country some of our culture.
The student has been with us for a month, and appears to have no trouble communicating and having fun with my spouse and children. I, on the other hand, experience very little in the communication or the fun areas. I get the bare minimum of conversation, that is when our student doesn't just get up in the middle of the conversation unannounced and goes to their bedroom.
I feel like an unappreciated innkeeper and chauffeur. I dread driving the student anywhere by myself because all I get is silence and staring out the window. It's not like that at all for my spouse, or when we're not in the car alone.
I have expressed these things to my spouse, who is able to write off my feelings because the student is actually pleasant and communicative with the rest of the family.
I am supposed to drive the student over three hours away to visit friends of the family, and I am absolutely dreading it. I have half-joked that I should buy a chauffeur driver's hat and put up a glass partition between the front and back seat and let the student ride in the back. At least then I don't have to have any expectations.
In all seriousness...I'm not a huge crier, but I've spent at least three days a week for the last month in tears because of this placement. I don't want the student to leave...I just want the student to treat me like a human being and not like an inconvenient houseguest IN MY OWN HOUSE!
I'm sorry to here you are having such a difficult hosting experience. In our situation, we had a written agreement (signed by the student and by everyone in our family) that helped set up guidelines for these types of things. Our host organization suggested we review our agreement as a family (including the exchange student) on a regular basis, so we could address any "new issues" that might have come up for any party to the exchange experience. Also, a representative from the host organization had a regular schedule of "check in's" with the exchange student and with members of our family (the hosts) to make sure there weren't any issues of concern going on (and if we would have had any issues, the host organization would have been a resource to us to help us address these issues). I would encourage you to reach out to a representative of the host organization and let them know you are feeling uncomfortable with the communication situation, and allow them the opportunity to help you navigate this issue. Best wishes to you and your family. Dawn
DeleteI would like to remain anonymous, as I am currently hosting an exchange student. He is an F1 student, and we receive 1k a month for his food and maintenance. This student is from China. He is currently eating more food, than the amount being given. When I suggested to eat 2/3 pieces of chicken instead of 5 or 6 he got upset. This student is thin... FYI. He is only 138 lbs and 5'8. He gets a plate full of rice vegetables tortillas bread rolls, etc. I feel like their is no benefit to hosting a student that eats more than our mortgage. He also has major sensory processing disorder, we also believe he is on the border of having autism. In reality. We feel robbed of an amazing experience, his application said he had no known medical and or mental issues. This is obviously not the case. We recently had to lay down the law and said he signed a document stating he would follow the rules in this house. He does what he wants however he wants. We want to give up at this point, and get someone normal. I know this sounds harsh, but we did not sign up for an autistic child.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your experience is not going well. As I've mentioned to others, our host organization had a regular schedule of "check in's" with the exchange student and with members of our family (the hosts) to make sure there weren't any issues of concern going on (and if we would have had any issues, the host organization would have been a resource to us to help us address these issues). I would encourage you to reach out to a representative of the host organization and let them know you are having some issues that are concerning you and allow them the opportunity to help you navigate this issue. Best wishes to you and your family. Dawn
DeleteWe are hosting a student from China that seems to be autistic. The organization never warned us of this and we receive no support. Sounds like we're not the only family going through this with a special needs student we never signed up for.
ReplyDeleteHi Ana. I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing challenges. It's unclear to me how it is that you came to host a student without having a host organization to reach out to to help you navigate hosting-related challenges. In our case, the type of US Visa that our students have been on required the support of the host organization. If your host organization is not a resource for you, I might suggest that you reach out to community organizations in your area such as Rotary, as they arrange for many different exchanges, and they may be able to advise you as to supportive resources in your community. Also, a more direct resource might be the school counselor at the school your student attends. Lastly, these two blog posts might provide info that will help you find support for the specific challenges you are experiencing with this particular student: http://www.dawnprochovnic.com/2013/04/autism-awareness-month-deaf-history.html and http://www.dawnprochovnic.com/2014/02/book-notes-what-color-is-monday-by.html Best wishes to you and your family as you navigate this experience.
DeleteWe found out our student already graduated in their home country. So this is basically a vacation.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your experience was very different from ours. Hopefully it all worked out for you in the end.
DeleteHello Dawn: We have hosted ix students over the years. Moldova, Ukraine, Lebanon. Those were the students that made the whole year. Great experience. Then Belgium, left after three months home sick. Bosnia left after two months, hated everything in USA. The latest was Norway. She was a nightmare. Never did anything you told her to do. Hardly interaction with us and constantly lied about her where about. Came home one night after spending time with this boy from High School and she was high on something. That's when we called the coordinator to take her out from our home. After that, no more we are done.
ReplyDeleteSadly we are done after this one. We are in the process of now. Sad that some of these kids ruin if for the rest. These students are not properly vetted.
DeleteIt sounds like your current experience is not going well. I encourage you to reach out to the host organization to seek their input and assistance. Best wishes.
DeleteSounds like your earlier experiences were positive, but not your more recent experiences. We've been very lucky that all of our experiences have been very, very positive.
ReplyDeleteWe have had two wonderful experiences and are currently in a not so good one. Our student proudly told us and friends she already graduated high school and this basically a vacation.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear that your current experience has not off to a good start--sounds like a family meeting to set some expectations and boundaries might be in order. Best wishes!
DeleteCan I ask advice? I have an American student staying and she will be meeting another student in a town nearby, she will stay at their house for the night. The owner is charging her 20 euros. Now my student is not happy about this and I have a feeling she would like me to give a discount so she can go there for the night. I don’t think that is on really. It happened last year when I had another American student for 3 months and she travelled for a few days in the middle. She asked for a discount and I did but I thought it was cheeky. As the belongings are still at my house
DeleteI really don't have any advice to offer in your situation. In my experience, the host family does not receive any compensation or "rent" from the exchange student. All of our students were hosted without any financial exchange.
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